Choco ration's gone up! Double plus good, eh?!

I was eating Pringles a few minutes ago, not having paid much attention to the packaging apart from noting the flavor (plain, or "original"). I noticed that the Pringles were just slightly thinner than usual. I'm not some big Pringles nut, but I'm old enough to have been a kid when they hit the market, so I think it's fair to say I know Pringles. They were thinner. Not much, and not to the detriment of my snacking experience. Still, thinner. When I finished my snack I put the container away. That's when I saw it.

((( now CRISPIER )))

Crispier. You...fuckers.

You see, this is how they start it. This is the thin edge of the wedge. They take something away from you, in this case a slight amount of mass from a potato snack, and sell it back to you as an improvement. Bottled water costs more than soda. Do you see what I'm getting at? Thin Pringles aren't thin, they're crispier! This is positively Orwellian, and I may lose the capacity to work tomorrow because of it. The Inner Party has plotted and labored methodically, and the result of their cruel and inhuman works is the crispier Pringle. They are selling us our own destruction, and we are eating it compulsively. We are lining up to beg for the privilidge of buying it. This is the begining of the process that will undo humanity. The end result is the obliteration of all questioning, the conditioning of an automatic response for self-destruction. They will not rest until they can issue a command that makes us all leap joyously into the abyss. It starts at the heart of America: convenience food.

The Pringles are also labeled as a "Super Stack", though the canister seems to be the traditional size, weighing in at 6.41 oz. My infallible reasoning suggests the thinness of the Pringles ("Crispierness", fucko!) allows more total crisps in the container, allowing it to reach critical mass necessary to achieve "Super Stack" status. At Pringles Corporate Headquarters (aka Proctor & Gamble, Cincinatti, OH) I'm sure there's a PowerPoint slide illustrating this as an ancillary benefit of the Crispier Initiative.

Stay vigilant, my fellow Americans. Just don't look like you're vigilant. Not even in front of your kids.