Fuck spam in its undefinable gelatinous ass

We all know and love spam. Simply by existing it occupies too much of our time. Spammers occupy that special plane of patheticness attainable only by those most absolute of human failures: virus coders, child molesters, cult leaders, televangelists, and Moby. I've been dealing with spam since it came in envelopes and was called "junk mail", and at this point the only thing that surprises me about spam is that, apparently, it works. Anyone who actually consents to buying stocks, Viagra, hair tonic, a mortgage, or hot underage snatch from a randomly-emailed link deserves to have their computing licence reduced to a class 2C, that being analogous to an Apple IIc with no means of outside communication and green graphics. "Here, go play fuckin' Lode Runner for a year, and when we let you have your Dell with AOL back do yourself a favor and don't plug it in."

I digress.

For the past few weeks I have been aware of a new (to me) type of spam: blog spam! My blog is receiving spam in the guise of comments. "I love the smell of commerce in the morning!" I have gone through all my previous posts and deleted all the spam comments I found. It was a lot of fun and exactly how I wanted to spend 40 minutes of my Friday night. While I was doing it I put on my bowling shoes and listened to a Cephalic Carnage CD, so it wasn't a total loss. Have you ever put on your bowling shoes and listened to Cephalic Carnage? You really should, man. It, like, really slows down some of that hydro-grind and lets you figure out what the fuck is goin' on, you know? I tried dropping acid and listening to Sunn O))) once, but after, like, 8 weeks of the same note I kinda freaked out.

But we're not here to talk about that. No. We're here to talk about spam.

I have removed the spam. It was the most fun I've had since flossing your great aunt Petunia's ass. I have also put some kind of comment verification feature into effect. I'm not 100% sure how it works yet, but from the sound of things it seems to require that I preview and OK any comments before they are posted to the blog. To those of you who are legitimate posters this will probably mean that you won't see your posts appear as quickly as you are used to. They may wind up waiting until the next time I check my email. (Don't worry. That happens several times a day.) So if you post and don't see it, don't repost and don't despair that the blog is broken. It'll get there. Unless you're a spammer, of course, in which case your post will wither and devolve to a transitory speck in my deleted items folder, and thence into nothingness. (Usually I'd write "[insert diabolical laughter here]" at this point, but since sound doesn't travel in a vacuum...)

[insert dull ache of your own futility here]
Mu-hu-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!!!