Ozzfest-bound

In just under two weeks I'll be taking in a big dose of metal: the first show (July 15) of the 2005 Ozzfest tour. My fiance and I, along with our good friend Quartermaster, will be taking in the sights, the sounds, the smells, of one of the biggest heavy music festivals of the summer. Our tickets are good--on the seating chart it looks like we're directly behind the handicapped section; I like that, because at 5'8" it seems that about 75% of any crowd is taller than me. Not by a lot, just by enough.

Ozzfest takes place on two stages. The main stage houses the big headlining bands, while the second stage gives some up-n-coming bands valuable exposure, even if they only get to play about 20 minutes apiece. This year's lineup is heavy on bands, old and new, I'd love to see, which is why I shelled out $100 per ticket ($85 plus a hefty "fuck you fee"). In defense of the bloated ticket price, let me say that the show starts at 9:00am and goes into the evening, sort of like a Phish show without the 20-minute noodles and the inescapable stench of patchouli. Of course, with so many bands on the roster there's got to be a few duds, but that's okay. At an all-day show you've got to have some time to go to the bathroom, eat, and have a beer or two. For your amusement I offer my breakdown of the acts I'll be seeing. See if you can guess where I'm planning my beer, burger, and piss breaks.

---MAIN STAGE---

BLACK SABBATH
Obviously the headliners, this is the original classic Sabbath lineup: Ozzy, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, and Bill Ward. Wow! I've never had the chance to see them before, and the reunion album they released a few years ago (after getting back together for a previous incarnation of Ozzfest) shows that they can still play. I'm already flashing back to being 13 and listening to "Paranoid" on a mono cassette player. Ah, nostalgia!

IRON MAIDEN
I've waited about 22 years to be able to say this, so here goes: "I'm going to see Iron fucking Maiden!" This won't be the crappy, later day Maiden who recorded such non-classics as "Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter", either. This is the classic lineup, plus third guitarist Janick Gers, who replaced Adrian Smith but didn't leave when Adrian came back to the fold. ("You know those guitars that are...like...three guitars?!") To make things even better, they are only playing material from their first four albums. This is the act that got me to tell my fiance, "We have got to see this show!" Fortunately for me, she's a pushover!

MUDVAYNE
A lot of "real" metalheads don't like Mudvayne, but I do. I think they've been given a bad rap by their nu-metal leanings and gimmicky use of makeup, masks, and stage names like Grrg and Spag. (It didn't help that they debuted shortly after Slipknot made it big using the same shtick.) Fortunately, they've dropped that shit, which should help put the attention back on their music, where it rightly belongs. I'm a little less enthusiastic about their recent album, Lost and Found, than their previous two, but it should be a solid set nonetheless. It should be noted that Quartermaster saw them at an Ozzfest years ago and still maintains that they absolutely sucked. She's pretty much resisted my attempts over the past three years or so to get her to give them a second try, so this is their big chance.

SHADOWS FALL
Quartermaster and I saw them in Burlington earlier this year, and it was a damn good show, though I'll go to my grave pissed that I missed Cephalic Carnage due to a steak that was still chewing its cud when it got to our table. They're the youngest act on the main stage and will be playing for a home town crowd, so it should be a good set. They bring me back to the glory days of 80s thrash, which is a good thing.

BLACK LABEL SOCIETY
This is Zakk Wylde's band. If you don't already know, Zakk is Ozzy's guitarist. Since Ozzy is playing with Sabbath and not his solo band this tour, Zakk gets to bring out BLS. Zakk is a pretty feeble guitarist, but he sings even worse than he plays. This band is absolutely dreadful. If anyone walked in on me listening to BLS I'd actually be embarassed. They're tired, cliched, and just plain fucking boring. Along with subjecting myself to selections of their back catalog I recently tried to listen to their latest release, Mafia. I made it a mind-numbing three songs before deciding there was absolutely no point (apart from masochism or morbid curiosity) in continuing. Time for a cheeseburger and four or five beers!

IN FLAMES
In Flames were originally scheduled to play on the second stage, but they got promoted to the first slot on the main stage. In my opinion, they promoted the wrong band. They started off pretty strong as part of the Swedish melodic death metal scene that took the US metal crowd by storm, but lately they've veered into an over-produced sound with prominent use of synthesizers. Like Bruce Dickenson once told a misguided European fan in Maiden's "Behind the Iron Curtain" home video release from 1856, "You can't play 'eavy metal with synthesizers!" Truer words have rarely been spoken by a man in bright red spandex pants. I'm willing to give In Flames a fair chance, but if they get too heavy with the synths I may have to find something else to do for the majority of their set.

---SECOND STAGE---

ROB ZOMBIE
Rob Zombie is headlining the second stage. Why I'm not entirely sure, since he has no new album to tour behind. I'm not a Rob Zombie fan, but I don't dislike him. To my ears he's just not metal, in the same way that Green Day is not punk rock. Something tells me he'll be entertaining, though. However, if he plays "More Human Than Human" I'll have to resist a strong urge to lob a glass bottle filled with warm urine at the stage. It's gonna be tough.

KILLSWITCH ENGAGE
Arguably the biggest breakout act of the new wave of American "extreme" metal (God, I hate that fucking adjective!), I think KSE makes a better choice to promote to the main stage than In Flames. They're certainly popular enough, and their material keeps getting better, whereas In Flames... It's a shame they'll be limited to a short set, as they're one of the bands I'm most looking forward to seeing. They're a talented band who write great songs, and Howard Jones (not the pale Brit-pop guy who tried to live his life in one day so long ago) is a muscular guy with a muscular voice, both in screaming and singing mode. Songwriting really makes a difference unless you're still in high school.

AS I LAY DYING
"Frail Worlds Collapse" was heralded as one of the best metal albums of 2003, but I listened to it exactly once and didn't stop shaking my head--not banging, but shaking--from start to finish. I didn't like it. I didn't hate it, but I sure didn't get what all the fuss was about. It seemed to me a very bland melodic death metal release, with songs that didn't really offer much variation. As I sit writing this I'm listening to their upcoming CD "Shadows Are Security", and I'm having pretty much the same reaction. It's OK, but doesn't really stand out from the crowd. I won't mind watching them for 20 minutes or so, but if somebody invites me to go burn one in the men's room during their set...

MASTODON
Oh yeah! Mastodon is the band I'm most looking forward to seeing, not counting Sabbath and Maiden 'cause you can't compete with the classics. Fucking awesome band! Sometimes head-spinningly technical, sometimes just plain rocking, always unique. "Leviathan" was one of my favorite CDs of last year, and for once my opinion jibes with popular consensus. Can you write metal songs about Moby Dick? I mean good ones? I didn't think so. It's too bad they'll be limited to a measly 20-minute set, because they've got a lot of material I'd like to see them play, namely their two full-length CDs in their entirety!

A DOZEN FURIES
This is the band that won the "Battle for Ozzfest" competition last year, in which unsigned bands competed for a slot on the second stage. I haven't had a chance to hear them yet. They beat out the competition, so odds are they're pretty good. "If they won they must suck!" my pessimistic streak shouts. I'll let you know what I think in a couple weeks.

THE HAUNTED
The Haunted is another big name in Swedish melodic death metal, even though they really have more in common with thrash than most death metal acts. I didn't like their latest release, rEVOLVER, quite as much as their previous three, but I still think it's a good album. They have a lot of energy and some good songs. I'm looking forward to their set.

ARCH ENEMY
Arch Enemy is a solid band that seems to keep getting better. One of their biggest claims to fame is that they're fronted by a female vocalist, Angela Gossow. While you can't deny the brutality of her delivery, I think Angela's vocals are pretty one-dimensional. The band itself makes up for this, though. They deliver a very effective mix of technicality (That's called a "guitar solo". Remember those?), brutality, and melody (in the music, not the vocals). I just had a listen to their upcoming release, Doomsday Machine, and was very impressed. They should go over big with the festival crowd.

THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER
This is another band that I'm not a big fan of, but I am looking forward to seeing them live. They're a technically accomplished band, and should be fun to watch solely for that reason. Having said that, I don't think their songwriting is particularly strong (Their songs don't stand out from each other.) and their vocal delivery, which vacillates between high-pitched cackle and death metal grunting, is just plain annoying. Also, their drummer relies pretty heavily on blast beats, and as a drummer I feel that blast beats usually wind up detracting from music's impact rather than adding to it. (For examples of how to incorporate blast beats effectively, see Cephalic Carnage or The Red Chord.) Still, I think it should be an interesting set.

BURY YOUR DEAD
This is straight-ahead brutal hardcore. Must! Punch! You! In! Face! With! Each! Beat! That kinda hardcore. It's good stuff, trust me. BYD have amassed a certain level of backlash for wearing suits and naming all the songs on their recent "Cover Your Tracks" CD after Tom Cruise movies. This just goes to prove something I've known for 20 years--a lot of hardcore kids don't have a sense of humor worth a tin shit. (It must stem from wearing hooded sweatshirts all summer long.) I'm not sure if they wear the suits at shows or if they're solely for album covers and videos. Personally, I'm hoping to see five guys in snazzy suits rip the shit out of the Ozzfest crowd!

IT DIES TODAY
IDT is decent, if not outstanding, metal of the scream-sing-scream variety. They have a decent mix of melody and attack. I've listened to their CD The Caitiff Choir a couple times and like it quite a bit. Their vocalist's strong point is his melodic ability, and the band compliments the melodic elements with some thick riffage and suitably brutal breakdowns. They're another band I'm expecting to go over big with the crowd and make a lot of new fans.

SOILWORK
Another big Swedish melodic death metal band. See a pattern emerging here, anyone? It's hard not to like Soilwork. They're energetic, Swedish, and strike a good balance between heaviness and melody. It also helps that they write good songs. I've got a real bug up my ass about that, don't I? Stabbing the Drama, their release from last year, is a strong CD, and I expect Soilwork to represent the northland well. In fact, I expect them and The Haunted to make up for In Flames!

TRIVIUM
Here's another band I'm excited to be seeing. They're very young, and remind me of Metallica before they became METALLICA. Ascendancy, their second CD which came out this past spring, is an absolute gem from start to finish. I really can't say enough good things about it. Great songwriting, monster riffs, and melodies that stick in your head long after you hear them. As with Mastodon and Killswitch Engage, it's a real waste of talent to limit these guys to a 20-minute set, but the exposure should be great for the band.

GIZMACHI
Like pretty much everyone else, I hadn't even heard of Gizmachi until they were announced as filling one of the "mystery slots" on the second stage. Their band photo suggests that most of them could do with new haircuts, but looks aren't everything. I've only heard a couple songs that are posted on their website, but they seem pretty good. At the very least they're original, which is something you can't say for a lot of more established acts. Should be an interesting set.

WICKED WISDOM
For weeks the Ozzfest website teased us with one last mystery slot on the second stage, eventually filling it with...who? Of all the bands on the tour, Wicked Wisdom seems to be the lightning rod for everybody's disappointment. There's a good reason for that: they aren't even a real band! Wicked Wisdom is the vanity project of Jada Pinket-Smith, yet another actress who has decided to cross into singing. Hey, if you're good at one, you're automatically good at the other, right? They don't have an album out (They're said to be in the studio right now.), and don't even have a band photo to put up on the Ozzfest site! My only question is this: does Will Smith know his wife blew Jack Osborne just to get the 9:00am slot on the second stage, or did she go behind his back for that big break? Enquiring minds, you know.

That, in a rather large nutshell, is the Ozzfest 2005 lineup. I should note that the seemingly universal disappointment in Wicked Wisdom's selection is rivaled only by the identity of Iron Maiden's mid-tour replacement. (They have previously scheduled dates in Europe, and so will only be with Ozzfest through August 20.) Who gets the coveted next-to-headlining slot in their wake? Velvet Revolver! And according to the Ozzfest message boards, nobody wants to see them! I know I'm sure glad I'll be getting Maiden instead. I liked Stone Temple Pilots alot and think Scott Weiland has a great voice, but I've heard Velvet Revolver, and it's MTV-oriented junk. Let's be frank here--I've hated Guns N Roses since before most people had heard of them. That bunch of losers never fooled me for a second. (My response to an enthusiastic friend who played me "Live...Like a Suicide" back before GNR broke? "Sounds like Motley Crue without any balls!") If I never see any member of GNR--past, present, or future--play live, that'll be okay with me.

Look for a post of my Ozzfest 2005 musings in a couple weeks. It may even be as long-winded and sarcastic as this one. Just you keep hopin'.