Friday Fiver: Weekend Update

I'm a day late, but this time it's due to an Internet service interruption. In the immortal words of Han Solo, it's not my fault!

1. Any plans to watch the Super Bowl?
Shit no! I hate football. It's like watching paint dry, but with injuries and commercials. All major sports take entirely too long to play, and they're not very rewarding to the casual observer. I don't mind watching baseball or basketball once in a while (usually for 30 minutes or less), but that's about as far as I go. Sports are overrated and take up too much time.

2. Friday or Saturday: which is a better date night?
I will answer this question as the character of Quagmire from Family Guy: "That all depends on whether she's Catholic or not! Ow! Giggidy!"

3. Do you do anything special on the weekends that you don't do during the week?
Hoo-boy. OK, short list: bathe, braid my nosehairs, breathe argon, dance with abandon to Zamphir, human sacrifices, animal sacrifices, sacrifices-in-effigy, nipple torture, promote topsoil erosion, pray to almighty Q*Bert, and read for pleasure.

4. Where do you get your news from?
From The Daily show, stoopid! I get my local news and weather from WCAX, homepage of Vermont's own Channel 3. Marselis Parsons will devour the universe. Because old habits die hard I tend to get my national news from CNN, home of all the news unfit for proofreading. There are other websites I rely on for news of a narrower focus, but I'm not telling you what they are. You'll spoil them. I think the newspaper is one of the greatest ergonomical disasters in the history of the human race, and they're often written and edited with complete disregard for the English language. No sir, I don't like it.

5. Kevin, Norm, Colin, Jimmy, Tina, or Amy?
Ruprect! No, seriously, who the fuck are these people anyway? From this week's title and the tagline "Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow" on the Friday Fiver website I'm guessing this is a Saturday Night Live reference, but that's meeting the Friday Fiver folks more than halfway. I haven't watched SNL for years, and it's been even longer since I've laughed at it. Oh God, the pain! It's like watching a koala bear get drawn and quartered for 90 minutes! (When's that get fun?) I seriously thought Will Farrel was utterly devoid of talent until I started seeing him in movies. A few days ago I watched the SNL Best of John Belushi DVD. Man, those were the days! He's been gone for 24 years. That figure makes me feel desperately old. I miss ya, John. You too, Gilda. Chris Farley, I don't miss so much. An immitator to the bitter end.

All hail!