Friday Fiver: New Year, New You?

Hello, boys and girls! This is your old pal Stinky Wizzleteats here! This is a post about a whale. No! This is a post about the Friday Fiver. For those of you not in the know, the Friday Fiver is sort of a little blog game. Each Friday a list of 5 (with me so far?) questions appears at the Friday Fiver website, and many bloggers the world over answer the questions on their blogs. Comments from non-Spam-excreting entities is generally encouraged, and I should have the word verification system active by the time you read this (unless you're a real hawk). Some would say it's the blogging equivilant of chain letters or those "tests" grade-school girls like to pass back and forth in utmost secrecy. I look at it as one day in every seven where I don't have to think up a topic to blog about. And since it's my blog, if I encounter a question I don't want to answer it's wholly appropriate for me to say, "That's a stupid fucking question and I'm not going to answer it." So, without further exposition, here is my first contribution to the Friday Fiver...

1. How will you be ringing in the New Year?
As it stands right now the kids will be at their Grandmother's and my wife will be working, so I most likely will be ringing in the New Year alone. I plan to put myself in an easily recreatable mood and become distracted by computery goodness involving pretty graphics and bloodshed. Maybe look for that Britney Spears sex tape. (Note to aspiring celebrity pornographers: no Nightvision! You can afford lamps.) Actually, I'm downloading the AMD64 build of Ubuntu Linux right now, so I might ignore the ball dropping by geeking out with some open source 64-bit dual-boot craziness. Let's roll. Let's boogaloo 'til we puke.

2. How do you *wish* you were ringing in the New Year?
By letting Dick Clark know that Payola is neither gone nor forgotten. That may seem pretty harsh, considering what poor health he's reported to be in, but let's see what you think when Dick Clark eats your family to sustain himself through another 364-day hibernation cycle.

3. Do you have any traditions that you observe on New Year's Day intended to bring you luck for the upcoming year?
Huh? What are you saying? I've never even heard of that freakishly superstitious rite before! Seriously, that's a stupid fucking question and I'm not going to answer it.

4. Do you make resolutions? Do you keep them?
Here we go. First week and already they're trying to slip 6 questions in while my back's turned. They wouldn't do it out in the open because then they'd have to delay the game by at least a day to re-establish a rhyme scheme. But just to play along: no, and see previous "no" and shut up. I don't because I don't, you get me? Nobody does. If you could flip a switch and start improving something about yourself you find lacking you'd have done it already. Don't put all that pressure on January--it's a terrible time of the year for motivation. Yeah, this time I'm really gonna start exercising and stick to it...by walking in January! That might work fine in Florida, but I live in Vermont, where January is typified by epic snowstorms, glare ice, black ice, and wind chill factors that can change your sex. New Year's resolutions don't work here because it's too cold.

5. Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Only if I made a New Year's resolution never to do it. Hahaha. That's the only kind of New Year's resolution that works; you know, something that's so easy it's downright self-fulfilling, like, "I resolve, in 2006, to drink at least one shot of vodka, similar if not identical to the one I happen to be holding in my hand right now. HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!!" Seriously, though, where the fuck does this topic connect with the new year? Is New Year's Eve such a limiting topic that only four quality(?) questions could be wrung from it? These people aren't even trying. I think next Friday I'll come up with my own questions and answer them, unless I get distracted by doing other things that day, in which case I'll probably just do the Friday Five. In fact...in 2006 I resolve to at least consider answering another Friday Five while possibly pondering writing my own questions, or not. But back to the topic at hand, plastic surgery, I don't think I'd ever do it for mundane cosmetic reasons, like getting rid of a turkey waddle or fixing a profile that invokes the flight-or-fight response in rodents. I'd do it if I were horribly maimed and required reconstructive surgery or I'd never be able to sing "She Sells Sanctuary" again. Say, as a totally hypothetical example, if I were walking down a certain street in Montpelier at the wrong time and an avalanche of car-sized boulders rained down upon my face and relocated most of it behind my ears and I figured I really had the city's nuts in a Salad Shooter and could get them to pay for an operation that would make me look suspiciously like Tony Danza, I'd probably do it.