Friday Fiver: Trust Is What I'm Offering

Because I'll just kill myself if I don't get this posted on time: the Sunday edition of the Friday Fiver.

1. At the end of today, do you think you'll feel spent or refreshed?
Since I have to go in to work for 5 hours on a Sunday, after spending the entire day at Six Flags New England yesterday, I'm expecting to feel spent. Actually, work and vigorous recreation don't really have much to do with it. If I feel refreshed at the end of the day it makes it a little hard for me to get to sleep. Therefore I try to make sure I'm spent at the end of the day. It's not easy, but I've been working on my technique for years. I also have the sneaking suspicion that being refreshed at the end of the day is a dangerous mental condition. Don't suffer in silence. Don't let it happen to you.

2. Do you like back rubs?
No, I fuckin' hate backrubs! They suck! While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice in it?! What kind of question is that? EVERYBODY likes backrubs! Asking if you like backrubs is like saying, "Honk if you like orgasms!" This is precisely the reason I've never had an "Abolish Apartheid" bumper sticker on my car; it's not that I'm a supporter of Apartheid, it's just that the complete and utter dearth of pro-Apartheid bumper stickers makes it pointless. If you find yourself emphatically endorsing something that has no opposition, you should remind yourself to shut the fuck up.

3. When did you last mislead someone?
How long has it been since you read my answers to the first two questions?

4. What color are your eyes?
Blue-gray. Why would I lie about that? If you see me, you can look at my eyes and tell what color they are, so if I tell you they're green you're gonna know I'm full of shit. If you never see me, what does it matter what color my eyes are? This is a stupid question and serves as a prime example as to why I'm a member of a radical splinter group of disgruntled Friday Fiver bloggers.

5. Friday fill-in: "Lastly, let me know ______."
...how I can better assist you in fucking off.